Maple Examines the Nordstrom Back to School Guide

Yo, Maple here.

Back to School Fashion Guides amoose me.

All these companies tell you what to wear.

Which is good if you are clueless about fashion, like most of the teenage populace.

Well, most of the populace in general.

But be careful.

1) Just because something is trendy doesn't mean it will look good on your body type.

and

2) Just because Nordstrom says there are three types of girls in the world,
doesn't mean it's true.

Enter "gritty rock star," "girly girl," and "polished academic."

Ah, someone likes categorization.

You can't be a gritty rock girl if your hair isn't dyed and you don't have a skateboard.

Vacant head tilt is also required.

If you want to be a girly girl, make sure you raise your arms in the air randomly.

I guess constant perkiness and being ready for exercise at any moment is key.

And polished academics need nerd chic glasses and colorful notebooks.

Otherwise you just ain't a smartie.

Add a snobby, over the glasses "you must kidding" look and you have it in the bag.

Stereotypes aside....  Moto jackets and vests are in.

As well as denim jackets and button down shirts.

Plaid button down shirts have never really gone out of style.

Make sure the hems are rounded.

Solid color pants are in -- either in chino fabric or colored denims.

Skinny is still the preferred shape.

Colorful floral jackets are in.

As well as lace overlay dresses.

These dresses are two layers -- as the lace is usually see through.

Sometimes the colors of the layers match.

Sometimes they are more contrasty.

Nerd chic is never out of style.

Long cardigans with contrast trim.

Striped skirts.

Button down boyfriend-esque shirts.

But Nordstrom doesn't stop there.

The fun continues.

They give us even more outfit ideas, and they ask the really probing, meaningful questions that most teenagers are thinking about all day...

Which gives me a chance to answer them.....

In true stereotypical teenager style I will try to keep the capitalizations and grammar 

to a minimum from now on.

(p.s. do you see how these girls are jumping categories???)

what am I doing after graduation?

well, when i gravitate i plan on either becoming a master criminal or a master crime solver.

outcome yet to be determined....

i mean someone really does need to find the ark of the covenant... and steal it...

Penny recently told me that Indiana Jones was all made up

and it wasn't a historical documentary.

so the real ark is still out there...

what's on my iPod?

as a shout-out to L-Dawg,

Psy's "Gangnam Style" on constant repeat

avert your eyes if you are sensitive...

School's out - where I headed?

well, first of all i feel like less of a woman now because i don't have a boyfriend with a motorcycle

so i guess i am headed out to find a motorcycle for my boyfriend...

wait!

i don't even have a boyfriend yet!

i guess i need to find a boyfriend first...

now i feel like even less of a woman because i don't have a boyfriend

man, i just can't win

i should just get my own motorcycle and forget about men...

what's on the menu for lunch?

well, certainly not candy

i don't want to go into diabetic shock during school hours

i'll wait until later, like when i'm on the back of my new boyfriend's motorcycle

oh wait, that might not be such a good idea

i'll stick with a regular ten course meal with accompanying juice tastings

how do I get to school?

once again Nordstrom makes me feel a bit bad about myself

i don't have my own car with the windows down and a furry pink seat cover

i am definitely less of a human being because I don't have my own car

i'll have to remedy that situation as well

after my chauffeur drives me to school in our super stretch Hummer limo

it's the last five minutes of study hall- what do I do?

study hall? what's that?

i just spend the whole school day asleep in a supply closet

wait... don't tell Penny that....

maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend

i don't get to flirt with cuties in study hall

and i often smell of cleaners and sponges

who's my best friend?

myself of course
no one else is awesome enough to be my best friend
duh

I have been asking Penny for a real Night Fury dragon
to be my BFF

but she consistently says "no way"

what's my favorite movie?

any version of Sherlock Holmes

clueless? legally blonde? qua?
i have never heard of these movies
they must not have Jude Law in them....

how often do I clean my locker?

i have a locker?


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