Maple Insists: Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly...

If you haven't been following this series of posts, here are the previous two:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-good.html

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-bad.html

After that last post a couple followers unfollowed the blog,
so I know I am doing something right!

***If you don't have an appropriate sense of humor,
I don't recommend reading my "Maple Insists" posts, jfyi.***

So today I, Maple the Magnificent, discuss the "ugly" Christmas
ornaments I stirred up online.

Now, sometimes I have difficulty separating the "bad" from the "ugly,"
but after much deliberation, I think I ended up with a good group of uglies.

First...

Sometimes you just can't "un-see" things.

Even if you want to.

And this atrocious sock monkey is one of them.

I pre-apologize to everyone who loves this thing and bought five -- 

but good golly this thing is hideous.

I need some eye-bleach to rinse this out of my retinas.

And a concussion so my brain can forget about it.

Even this poor monkey's facial expression says: 

"Please, kill me! I'm dead inside."

It would be a mercy killing.

And the worst part?

No, it's not the dead-eyes, nor the colors, 

not even the bizarre appearance of underwear over the pajama bottoms. ???

No, it's not any of those things --
instead it is the weird circular 

shapes over the sock monkey's boobies and crotch-region.

I don't even wanna ask -- but really Hallmark, you need 

to have someone with a perverted mind look at your ornament prototypes.

It's all fine and good to use a circular design, 

it's another thing entirely to have those circles align with certain body parts.

I mean, unless that's the kind of Christmas tree you are going for....

Next up, continuing with our animal theme...

Ever wonder what would happen if you combined a lion with an egg?

What? -
That never crossed your mind?

Well, apparently it crossed someone's mind.

Perhaps it was a drug-addled mind.

Yes.

A lion-egg with a straw afro.

And crazy eyes.

I won't tell you what I thought of immediately when I saw this, 

but just imagine two of these lions side-by-side.

The adults will know what I am talking about.

AND, just in case you wanted a whole animal-egg zoo,

there are others to purchase....

Though I'm not sure why.

The only non-hideous one is the elephant.

Maybe someone designed that one first.

And then they went ahead with the others,

but really they shouldn't have.

And speaking of animals you shouldn't put on your tree...

This depressed tiger.

It was all going well, until they put a face on that thing.

They really shoulda just left him faceless.

He looks like how I feel after spending a month and a half 

prepping for holiday that is here and gone in a matter of hours.

"Is that it?

Is that what all my hopes and dreams were riding on???"

Yes, my tiger friend.

And now you have to 

a) pay off all that credit card debt you just racked up 

buying gifts, and food, and decor and then 

b) you have to prep your taxes.

And, again, if you want the complete zoo:

A hippo, about to eat that poor, shell-shocked tiger.

A giraffe with a neck and head that is just way too small.

A zebra about to give up on life.

I don't even know what that elephant is doing.

But I'm pretty sure that lion is trying to run away.

Right about now you are saying - "Well, they can't get much uglier, right?"

Wrong...

Aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Just. No.

I think this is a gourd or something, covered in knit alpaca hair.

It's so hideous.

This isn't a pleasantly plump Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas.

This is the "Super-Size Me" Santa with a gut so large he needs 

a wheelbarrow, a crane, and a fire truck to get around.

No one should be that shape.

Even a make-believe fantasy character meant to make children behave.

And speaking of shapes people shouldn't be....

This gnome looks horrified.

He woke up to go skiing, but alas!

His body had turned into a pinecone!!!

And he never took another pee or poop again.

Why would someone make this?

Can't you see the silent scream of horror on his face?

Who thought this was a good idea for an ornament?

Probably the same person who thought this was a good idea...

So.

Majestic.

My synopsis of this: When sisal animals go too far.

This is another ornament that should have 

never gone beyond prototyping.

His butt's a pinecone!!!

Why'd they think that would work??

And he has swizzle sticks for legs?!?!

I think I can see tears in it's eyes...

It's like the Christmas Ornament version of The Island of Doctor Moreau.

Some experiments should not be allowed to live.

___________

Alright.

That's all I got for my
"Christmas Ornaments: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" series.

(At least for 2015...)

I hope I have entertained the five of you
with a strong enough gut to read my Maple Insists posts.

I hope you all have lovely holidays and good vacations from school and work. :-)

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!

Maple Insists: Christmas Ornaments, The Bad...

Hello again everybody!

I am back with the continuation of 
my festive Christmas ornament posts!

Bask in my glory!!!

This is my previous post:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-good.html

(^^^ Read it if you haven't yet, you lazy sod.)

Today I discuss the "bad" ornaments I found 

while I was perusing the 'net for doll-size things.

First up...

Is a mini Santa mug ornament with "hot cocoa" 

and a star-shaped "marshmallow" inside of it.

This is very small:

1" W x 0.69" H x 0.75" D

So it might work for the dolls, but it may even be too tiny for them!

One of the online reviews stated:

"It looked weird in the pictures with the wink, 

but the wink in person looks so much nicer!"

Really?

Really?

Really?

To us it just looks plain creepy.
The wink isn't helping any.

Creepy Santa says: "Stay away from my cocoa or I'll cut you."
*Wink*

-- That's what I thought of when I saw this puppy.

And also, there is the macabre situation of drinking 

a steaming hot beverage out of Santa's head...cough, cough.

Plus, why is Santa wearing so much lipstick?

I'll let y'alls ponder that one on your own.

Next...

You remember the nutcrackers from World Market that we posted about previously?

And we mentioned that it is difficult to find a non-terrifying nutcracker?

Well, this is why...

I call this the "Prostate Exam Nutcracker."

This is the face he makes right after he asks the doctor: 

"Where are you going to put your hand?!?!?!"

You could also label him "Electrocution Nutcracker."

Or "Acid Trip Nutcracker."

But really, in general -- all those names come down to one thing -- why would you want this incredibly non-comforting-looking-thing on your Christmas tree?

To scare Grandpa and give him a heart attack?

Really people, these things are Christmas decor, 

not Halloween decor.

Get your Nutcracker act together, Hallmark.

The worst thing is that it's not just Hallmark - 

most of the Nutcracker ornaments I found looked 

just like this one with that face of utter shock right before 

you get run over by Santa's reindeer.

Poor guy.

Third for today...

Are the most-pathetic-looking cat ornaments in the world.

I'm always on the look out for ornaments 

that could be stuffed toys or pets for the dolls, but...

These are like the Christmas ornament versions 

of those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

Why are their front legs so short?!?!?

What happened to these things?!?!

And what are they looking at?

Are they looking up into the heavens for the sweet release of death?

Or are they just looking at me to give them the food and medicine they so desperately need?

Gosh, so pathetic.

I feel pain in my soul just looking at the pics, never mind putting them on my tree.

Speaking of sad cat ornaments...

Yes.

Someone made that ^^^.

And a company is trying to sell it.

My goodness.

The earlier ones just looked like they needed a good cuddle.

This one looks like it needs Zoloft.

I don't understand -- is this supposed to be cute?

It just looks so depressed it is making me depressed.

I feel like they made the cat first -- realized it was horribly sad-looking -- 

and then someone in corporate was like -- 

"Well, just throw a red hat on it!!! That will make it festive!!!"

No, no it doesn't.

The hat just makes me wonder why this sad cat is wearing a hat.

Yeesh.

And lastly for today...

This is the part where children should stop reading and leave the room.

Are they gone yet?

For fox sake, get them out of the room.

"OBGYN Appt. Fox"

Why does a fox's legs need to be spread so very, very wide?

And why are they so very, very short?

Again, it's like someone designed the fox, 

and then realized it was presenting itself for an annual Pap exam, 

and was like -- "Oh Noes!!!!"

 -- and then made the front legs A LOT longer 

so that they would block the crotch shot.

Just, why?

Why?

Why?

You don't know what a fox looks like?

Do you see a lot of them sitting around 

in the wilderness like this, airing out their nethers?

Someone at Pottery Barn needs a subscription to ZooBooks 

so they can figure out the natural poses of foxes...

________

Alright, I'm done for today.

Phew. That was hard work.

Stay tuned for Part Three: "Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly..."

Yep, they get worse.

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!

Dolly Finds from Crate & Barrel and Williams-Sonoma

We went to Columbus again this week to visit the AG store 

with the shop owner of Etsy's Pippaloo.

Here is our Archie posing with her Serafina at an outdoor 

miniature town and train display at Easton.

While we were at Easton we stopped in at Crate & Barrel and Williams-Sonoma looking for dolly-sized items. Or things we could make into dolly-sized items, haha.

We don't have time to take pics today, but we'd thought we'd share anyways.

Kitchen and tableware stores are great places to find dolly-sized items!

Around Christmastime, many of them release dolly-sized tree ornaments like 

pots, pans, whisks, mixing spoons, etc.

The Williams-Sonoma find

A silver-plated salt & pepper table dish with 

2 tiny silver-plated spoons, pea pod themed.

1 oz, 1.5 inch high.

SKU 291476

Limited supply item, currently on sale.

Crate & Barrel finds

Mini Round Bowl 1.75 oz, 3 inch diameter.

SKU 179292

You can also buy this in a set of four bowls.

Mini Round Ramekin 2.7 oz, 2.75 inch diameter.

SKU 552283

Glass Bowl 1.1 oz, 2.25 inch diameter.

SKU 329649

Lodge brand Mini Cocotte, 4 inch diameter.

SKU 178780

We are going to use this as a dolly crock pot.

Many of these items are dishwasher safe, some are microwave-safe, and others are even oven-safe.

Be sure to check the individual website listings for these specifications.

Also, when searching your fav kitchen store online, try search terms like mini, miniature, and tiny.

At Williams-Sonoma, for example, this will lead you to things like mini muffin, donut, and cake pans -- perfect for those people who like to make edible doll-sized foods!

Ramekin is also another good search term -- 

you'd be amazed at the types of ramekins out there!

And now you can tell that looking for table salt & pepper dishes designed for individual place settings, and individual condiment and sauce dishes is also helpful.

Thanks for visiting us today!

Check out our two current giveaways:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2013/08/2-sisters-sew-crafty-earring-dangles.html

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2013/07/buzzin-bea-outfit-giveaway-enter-today.html