Sunday, December 20, 2015

Maple Insists:
Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly...

If you haven't been following this series of posts, here are the previous two:

After that last post a couple followers unfollowed the blog,
so I know I am doing something right!

***If you don't have an appropriate sense of humor,
I don't recommend reading my "Maple Insists" posts, jfyi.***

So today I, Maple the Magnificent, discuss the "ugly" Christmas
ornaments I stirred up online.

Now, sometimes I have difficulty separating the "bad" from the "ugly,"
but after much deliberation, I think I ended up with a good group of uglies.


Sometimes you just can't "un-see" things.
Even if you want to.

And this atrocious sock monkey is one of them.

I pre-apologize to everyone who loves this thing and bought five -- 
but good golly this thing is hideous.

I need some eye-bleach to rinse this out of my retinas.
And a concussion so my brain can forget about it.

Even this poor monkey's facial expression says: 
"Please, kill me! I'm dead inside."

It would be a mercy killing.

And the worst part?

No, it's not the dead-eyes, nor the colors, 
not even the bizarre appearance of underwear over the pajama bottoms. ???

No, it's not any of those things --
instead it is the weird circular 
shapes over the sock monkey's boobies and crotch-region.

I don't even wanna ask -- but really Hallmark, you need 
to have someone with a perverted mind look at your ornament prototypes.

It's all fine and good to use a circular design, 
it's another thing entirely to have those circles align with certain body parts.

I mean, unless that's the kind of Christmas tree you are going for....

Next up, continuing with our animal theme...

Ever wonder what would happen if you combined a lion with an egg?

What? -
That never crossed your mind?

Well, apparently it crossed someone's mind.

Perhaps it was a drug-addled mind.


A lion-egg with a straw afro.
And crazy eyes.

I won't tell you what I thought of immediately when I saw this, 
but just imagine two of these lions side-by-side.

The adults will know what I am talking about.

AND, just in case you wanted a whole animal-egg zoo,
there are others to purchase....

Though I'm not sure why.

The only non-hideous one is the elephant.

Maybe someone designed that one first.

And then they went ahead with the others,
but really they shouldn't have.

And speaking of animals you shouldn't put on your tree...

This depressed tiger.

It was all going well, until they put a face on that thing.

They really shoulda just left him faceless.

He looks like how I feel after spending a month and a half 
prepping for holiday that is here and gone in a matter of hours.

"Is that it?
Is that what all my hopes and dreams were riding on???"

Yes, my tiger friend.

And now you have to 
a) pay off all that credit card debt you just racked up 
buying gifts, and food, and decor and then 
b) you have to prep your taxes.

And, again, if you want the complete zoo:

A hippo, about to eat that poor, shell-shocked tiger.

A giraffe with a neck and head that is just way too small.

A zebra about to give up on life.

I don't even know what that elephant is doing.

But I'm pretty sure that lion is trying to run away.

Right about now you are saying - "Well, they can't get much uglier, right?"



Just. No.

I think this is a gourd or something, covered in knit alpaca hair.

It's so hideous.

This isn't a pleasantly plump Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas.

This is the "Super-Size Me" Santa with a gut so large he needs 
a wheelbarrow, a crane, and a fire truck to get around.

No one should be that shape.

Even a make-believe fantasy character meant to make children behave.

And speaking of shapes people shouldn't be....

This gnome looks horrified.

He woke up to go skiing, but alas!

His body had turned into a pinecone!!!

And he never took another pee or poop again.

Why would someone make this?

Can't you see the silent scream of horror on his face?

Who thought this was a good idea for an ornament?

Probably the same person who thought this was a good idea...



My synopsis of this: When sisal animals go too far.

This is another ornament that should have 
never gone beyond prototyping.

His butt's a pinecone!!!

Why'd they think that would work??

And he has swizzle sticks for legs?!?!

I think I can see tears in it's eyes...

It's like the Christmas Ornament version of The Island of Doctor Moreau.

Some experiments should not be allowed to live.



That's all I got for my
"Christmas Ornaments: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" series.

(At least for 2015...)

I hope I have entertained the five of you
with a strong enough gut to read my Maple Insists posts.

I hope you all have lovely holidays and good vacations from school and work. :-)

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!

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