The Doll Wardrobe: Pottery Barn

Showing posts with label Pottery Barn. Show all posts

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Maple Insists:
Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly...

If you haven't been following this series of posts, here are the previous two:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-good.html

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-bad.html

After that last post a couple followers unfollowed the blog,
so I know I am doing something right!

***If you don't have an appropriate sense of humor,
I don't recommend reading my "Maple Insists" posts, jfyi.***

So today I, Maple the Magnificent, discuss the "ugly" Christmas
ornaments I stirred up online.

Now, sometimes I have difficulty separating the "bad" from the "ugly,"
but after much deliberation, I think I ended up with a good group of uglies.

First...

Sometimes you just can't "un-see" things.

Even if you want to.

And this atrocious sock monkey is one of them.

I pre-apologize to everyone who loves this thing and bought five --

but good golly this thing is hideous.

I need some eye-bleach to rinse this out of my retinas.

And a concussion so my brain can forget about it.

Even this poor monkey's facial expression says:

"Please, kill me! I'm dead inside."

It would be a mercy killing.

And the worst part?

No, it's not the dead-eyes, nor the colors,

not even the bizarre appearance of underwear over the pajama bottoms. ???

No, it's not any of those things --
instead it is the weird circular

shapes over the sock monkey's boobies and crotch-region.

I don't even wanna ask -- but really Hallmark, you need

to have someone with a perverted mind look at your ornament prototypes.

It's all fine and good to use a circular design,

it's another thing entirely to have those circles align with certain body parts.

I mean, unless that's the kind of Christmas tree you are going for....

Next up, continuing with our animal theme...

Ever wonder what would happen if you combined a lion with an egg?

What? -
That never crossed your mind?

Well, apparently it crossed someone's mind.

Perhaps it was a drug-addled mind.

Yes.

A lion-egg with a straw afro.

And crazy eyes.

I won't tell you what I thought of immediately when I saw this,

but just imagine two of these lions side-by-side.

The adults will know what I am talking about.

AND, just in case you wanted a whole animal-egg zoo,

there are others to purchase....

Though I'm not sure why.

The only non-hideous one is the elephant.

Maybe someone designed that one first.

And then they went ahead with the others,

but really they shouldn't have.

And speaking of animals you shouldn't put on your tree...

This depressed tiger.

It was all going well, until they put a face on that thing.

They really shoulda just left him faceless.

He looks like how I feel after spending a month and a half

prepping for holiday that is here and gone in a matter of hours.

"Is that it?

Is that what all my hopes and dreams were riding on???"

Yes, my tiger friend.

And now you have to

a) pay off all that credit card debt you just racked up

buying gifts, and food, and decor and then

b) you have to prep your taxes.

And, again, if you want the complete zoo:

A hippo, about to eat that poor, shell-shocked tiger.

A giraffe with a neck and head that is just way too small.

A zebra about to give up on life.

I don't even know what that elephant is doing.

But I'm pretty sure that lion is trying to run away.

Right about now you are saying - "Well, they can't get much uglier, right?"

Wrong...

Aye.

Just. No.

I think this is a gourd or something, covered in knit alpaca hair.

It's so hideous.

This isn't a pleasantly plump Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas.

This is the "Super-Size Me" Santa with a gut so large he needs

a wheelbarrow, a crane, and a fire truck to get around.

No one should be that shape.

Even a make-believe fantasy character meant to make children behave.

And speaking of shapes people shouldn't be....

This gnome looks horrified.

He woke up to go skiing, but alas!

His body had turned into a pinecone!!!

And he never took another pee or poop again.

Why would someone make this?

Can't you see the silent scream of horror on his face?

Who thought this was a good idea for an ornament?

Probably the same person who thought this was a good idea...

So.

Majestic.

My synopsis of this: When sisal animals go too far.

This is another ornament that should have

never gone beyond prototyping.

His butt's a pinecone!!!

Why'd they think that would work??

And he has swizzle sticks for legs?!?!

I think I can see tears in it's eyes...

It's like the Christmas Ornament version of The Island of Doctor Moreau.

Some experiments should not be allowed to live.

___________

Alright.

That's all I got for my
"Christmas Ornaments: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" series.

(At least for 2015...)

I hope I have entertained the five of you
with a strong enough gut to read my Maple Insists posts.

I hope you all have lovely holidays and good vacations from school and work. :-)

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!

Friday, December 18, 2015

Maple Insists:
Christmas Ornaments, The Bad...

Hello again everybody!

I am back with the continuation of
my festive Christmas ornament posts!

Bask in my glory!!!

This is my previous post:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/12/maple-insists-christmas-ornaments-good.html

(^^^ Read it if you haven't yet, you lazy sod.)

Today I discuss the "bad" ornaments I found

while I was perusing the 'net for doll-size things.

First up...

Is a mini Santa mug ornament with "hot cocoa"

and a star-shaped "marshmallow" inside of it.

This is very small:

1" W x 0.69" H x 0.75" D

So it might work for the dolls, but it may even be too tiny for them!

One of the online reviews stated:

"It looked weird in the pictures with the wink,

but the wink in person looks so much nicer!"

Really?

To us it just looks plain creepy.
The wink isn't helping any.

Creepy Santa says: "Stay away from my cocoa or I'll cut you."
*Wink*

-- That's what I thought of when I saw this puppy.

And also, there is the macabre situation of drinking

a steaming hot beverage out of Santa's head...cough, cough.

Plus, why is Santa wearing so much lipstick?

I'll let y'alls ponder that one on your own.

Next...

You remember the nutcrackers from World Market that we posted about previously?

And we mentioned that it is difficult to find a non-terrifying nutcracker?

Well, this is why...

I call this the "Prostate Exam Nutcracker."

This is the face he makes right after he asks the doctor:

"Where are you going to put your hand?!?!?!"

You could also label him "Electrocution Nutcracker."

Or "Acid Trip Nutcracker."

But really, in general -- all those names come down to one thing -- why would you want this incredibly non-comforting-looking-thing on your Christmas tree?

To scare Grandpa and give him a heart attack?

Really people, these things are Christmas decor,

not Halloween decor.

Get your Nutcracker act together, Hallmark.

The worst thing is that it's not just Hallmark -

most of the Nutcracker ornaments I found looked

just like this one with that face of utter shock right before

you get run over by Santa's reindeer.

Poor guy.

Third for today...

Are the most-pathetic-looking cat ornaments in the world.

I'm always on the look out for ornaments

that could be stuffed toys or pets for the dolls, but...

These are like the Christmas ornament versions

of those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

Why are their front legs so short?!?!?

What happened to these things?!?!

And what are they looking at?

Are they looking up into the heavens for the sweet release of death?

Or are they just looking at me to give them the food and medicine they so desperately need?

Gosh, so pathetic.

I feel pain in my soul just looking at the pics, never mind putting them on my tree.

Speaking of sad cat ornaments...

Yes.

Someone made that ^^^.

And a company is trying to sell it.

My goodness.

The earlier ones just looked like they needed a good cuddle.

This one looks like it needs Zoloft.

I don't understand -- is this supposed to be cute?

It just looks so depressed it is making me depressed.

I feel like they made the cat first -- realized it was horribly sad-looking --

and then someone in corporate was like --

"Well, just throw a red hat on it!!! That will make it festive!!!"

No, no it doesn't.

The hat just makes me wonder why this sad cat is wearing a hat.

Yeesh.

And lastly for today...

This is the part where children should stop reading and leave the room.

Are they gone yet?

For fox sake, get them out of the room.

"OBGYN Appt. Fox"

Why does a fox's legs need to be spread so very, very wide?

And why are they so very, very short?

Again, it's like someone designed the fox,

and then realized it was presenting itself for an annual Pap exam,

and was like -- "Oh Noes!!!!"

-- and then made the front legs A LOT longer

so that they would block the crotch shot.

Just, why?

Why?

You don't know what a fox looks like?

Do you see a lot of them sitting around

in the wilderness like this, airing out their nethers?

Someone at Pottery Barn needs a subscription to ZooBooks

so they can figure out the natural poses of foxes...

________

Alright, I'm done for today.

Phew. That was hard work.

Stay tuned for Part Three: "Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly..."

Yep, they get worse.

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Maple Insists:
Christmas Ornaments, The Good...

Yep, it's Maple.

I'm back.

Today I wanted to continue the conversation about Christmas ornaments, as we count down to that glorious holiday full of fun and over-eating.

Previously we discussed some Christmas ornaments for sale at Sur La Table:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/11/shopping-warnings-for-sur-la-table-doll.html

(and how some of the ones we ordered from them have lead in them, jfyi.)

And we talked about ornaments at Walmart:

http://thedollwardrobe.blogspot.com/2015/11/check-out-local-shops-christmas.html

(some of those might have lead in them too, they just don't see it as necessary to inform you, because you are just a Walmart shopper and you're not as valuable to society as a Sur La Table shopper.)

(What? This is I, Maple, remember.

I don't believe in political correctedness.

Yes, I know I said that wrong.

That's how wrong I am.

I'm so wrong, I'm right.

Oooooo!!!!)

So anyways, I wanted to point out some other places to look for ornaments you can use for the dolls -- places like Hallmark and World Market.

Sometimes Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn have some, but in recent years they have appeared less and less.

Basically, my advice is to just keep your eyes peeled in the Christmas ornament sections of stores. You never know what you'll find, and as we get closer to Christmas many of these ornaments will go on sale.

Some of the ornaments Hallmark is offering this year might work for the dolls -- but I can't make any guarantees because I haven't seen them in person.

I will include the measurements as well, so you can judge for yourself

(as everyone has different scale preferences).

This puppy plays 3 different holiday songs....

2.74" W x 1.93" H x 2.84" D

...when it feels like working.

A lot of the reviews seem to say that this puppy doesn't work for very long.

But eh, for the dolls - and if you get it on sale -- that doesn't matter much if you just want a cool-looking record player.

http://shop.hallmark.com/ornaments/keepsake-ornaments/musical-interactive-reindeer-rock-record-player-ornament-2295QGO1439.html

Hated the game Operation?

Us too!!!

Now you can hate it in doll-size as well!!!

2.12” W x 3.5” H x 0.78” D

http://shop.hallmark.com/ornaments/keepsake-ornaments/hasbro-operation-game-ornament-1795QXI2647.html

And you can continue to wake up at night in cold sweats

from nightmares of that buzzer noise.

Want a gingerbread house for your dolls without having to bake one?

2.75" W x 3.56" H x 2.81" D

Thar ya go!!!

http://shop.hallmark.com/ornaments/keepsake-ornaments/noelville-gingerbread-clock-shop-ornament-1995QX9167.html

Even includes a gingerbread man at the doorway with a bizarre frosting beard.

And one of my favorite Hallmark ornaments...

2.53" W x 3.62" H x 1.81" D

For those of us dolls who can't make it through the holidays without a good beer.

And also for those of us who love items with drinking deers on them.

"Cheers, Rudolph!"

"Cheers, Dasher, my ol' pal!"
*clink!*

It's pretty big, but, eh - steins come in all sizes.

http://shop.hallmark.com/ornaments/keepsake-ornaments/beer-stein-ornament-1495QGO1657.html

The one reviewer of this said: "This is the third one bought.

my grandson is in college so I think these are neat."

i.e. "My grandson drinks a lot, and I don't mind at all (because clearly I drink too)

so I give him these ornament steins! I think these are neat!"

The Doll Wardrobe Blog True Confessions Time:

Yes, we do own some doll-size steins.

Feel free to judge us, you judge-y people.

They sell a lot of doll-size steins in the Germany gift shops in EPCOT, down in Walt Disney World, Orlando, Florida, United States of America, Earth. (jfyi)

Us dolls don't actually drink though.

We're dolls, remember?

Crayons.

3.12” W x 2.64” H x 0.88” D