Friday, December 18, 2015

Maple Insists:
Christmas Ornaments, The Bad...

Hello again everybody!

I am back with the continuation of 
my festive Christmas ornament posts!

Bask in my glory!!!

This is my previous post:

(^^^ Read it if you haven't yet, you lazy sod.)

Today I discuss the "bad" ornaments I found 
while I was perusing the 'net for doll-size things.

First up...

Is a mini Santa mug ornament with "hot cocoa" 
and a star-shaped "marshmallow" inside of it.

This is very small:
1" W x 0.69" H x 0.75" D

So it might work for the dolls, but it may even be too tiny for them!

One of the online reviews stated:

"It looked weird in the pictures with the wink, 
but the wink in person looks so much nicer!"


To us it just looks plain creepy.
The wink isn't helping any.

Creepy Santa says: "Stay away from my cocoa or I'll cut you."
-- That's what I thought of when I saw this puppy.

And also, there is the macabre situation of drinking 
a steaming hot beverage out of Santa's head...cough, cough.

Plus, why is Santa wearing so much lipstick?

I'll let y'alls ponder that one on your own.


You remember the nutcrackers from World Market that we posted about previously?

And we mentioned that it is difficult to find a non-terrifying nutcracker?

Well, this is why...

I call this the "Prostate Exam Nutcracker."

This is the face he makes right after he asks the doctor: 
"Where are you going to put your hand?!?!?!"

You could also label him "Electrocution Nutcracker."
Or "Acid Trip Nutcracker."

But really, in general -- all those names come down to one thing -- why would you want this incredibly non-comforting-looking-thing on your Christmas tree?

To scare Grandpa and give him a heart attack?

Really people, these things are Christmas decor, 
not Halloween decor.

Get your Nutcracker act together, Hallmark.

The worst thing is that it's not just Hallmark - 
most of the Nutcracker ornaments I found looked 
just like this one with that face of utter shock right before 
you get run over by Santa's reindeer.

Poor guy.

Third for today...

Are the most-pathetic-looking cat ornaments in the world.

I'm always on the look out for ornaments 
that could be stuffed toys or pets for the dolls, but...

These are like the Christmas ornament versions 
of those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

Why are their front legs so short?!?!?

What happened to these things?!?!

And what are they looking at?

Are they looking up into the heavens for the sweet release of death?

Or are they just looking at me to give them the food and medicine they so desperately need?

Gosh, so pathetic.

I feel pain in my soul just looking at the pics, never mind putting them on my tree.

Speaking of sad cat ornaments...


Someone made that ^^^.

And a company is trying to sell it.

My goodness.

The earlier ones just looked like they needed a good cuddle.

This one looks like it needs Zoloft.

I don't understand -- is this supposed to be cute?

It just looks so depressed it is making me depressed.

I feel like they made the cat first -- realized it was horribly sad-looking -- 
and then someone in corporate was like -- 
"Well, just throw a red hat on it!!! That will make it festive!!!"

No, no it doesn't.
The hat just makes me wonder why this sad cat is wearing a hat.


And lastly for today...

This is the part where children should stop reading and leave the room.

Are they gone yet?

For fox sake, get them out of the room.

"OBGYN Appt. Fox"

Why does a fox's legs need to be spread so very, very wide?

And why are they so very, very short?

Again, it's like someone designed the fox, 
and then realized it was presenting itself for an annual Pap exam, 
and was like -- "Oh Noes!!!!"
 -- and then made the front legs A LOT longer 
so that they would block the crotch shot.

Just, why?

You don't know what a fox looks like?

Do you see a lot of them sitting around 
in the wilderness like this, airing out their nethers?

Someone at Pottery Barn needs a subscription to ZooBooks 
so they can figure out the natural poses of foxes...


Alright, I'm done for today.

Phew. That was hard work.

Stay tuned for Part Three: "Christmas Ornaments, The Ugly..."

Yep, they get worse.

Thanks for visiting us today friends!!!


Lauren EM said...

Bustin' a gut here! LOVE your posts!!!! Thanks again! It's been a very long week, and this just MADE my week!

maddie said...

"for fox sake, get them out out of the room" CRYING.
i'm going to make that my senior quote oml.

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