Friday, June 17, 2016

Honest Editorial:
"The Gotta Have 'Em All" Blues

I would have titled this Honest Editorial - 
Fighting "The Gotta Have 'Em All" Blues - 
but really, fighting them has never really worked for me.

So I can't be the one telling you how to fight them.

(^^^Miss Trixie Pickles, my cat, for no special reason)

This is a topic I have thought about for awhile, 
and I have thought about writing about it for awhile.

But I haven't done it for many reasons.

One of which was it obviousnessssssss.

Like once I started writing about it
 everyone would be like - "Yeah, so what, duh?"

And the other was the painfulness of acknowledging 
a problem within myself, and then writing about it for my 22 readers to see. ;-)

However I decided I needed to write this for myself.

I guess as a method of self-examination.

I have brought up the topic of my hoarding doll cr*p before - 
but mostly in the context of making fun of myself, and under different topics.

I haven't quite looked directly at the core issue.

What exactly are "The Gotta Have 'Em All" Blues?

For me, they manifest every time I see something I like - 
I feel the overwhelming urge to possess it.


I have to have it.

Thank you, capitalism and marketing.

For example, it used to be that I needed to buy everything AG released, at every release.

Which was/is insane.

Luckily, I've gotten past that issue.

But I still want a lot of doll stuff that's for sale - all the time.

( know you want her. You know you do.)

I am not the only person with this problem.

And, of course, it applies to more than just doll stuff.

Whole generations of humans have been programmed to think this way by our economy, our society, our media, our family, our friends, our co-workers.

"You want it? - Well, get it."

Go on - treat yo'self.
You deserve it.
You only live once.
Life is short.

"Okay!!! Weeeee!!!! I'll buy it!!!!"

I can always rationalize spending money.
I am a professional at that.

And this wouldn't be a problem if two things were true:

1) I actually needed all of the things I "liked" to survive and be happy


2) I had the money to buy all the things I like.

Neither 1 nor 2 is true.

Now things you "like" can be anything - clothing, spa visits, cars, trips, collectibles, doll cr*p.

And I have a lot of categories of things I feel like I "have to have" to be happy.

Doll cr*p is just one of them.

But it's the one category I share with most of you.

Now y'alls can live your life the way you want to.

I'm not gonna judge.

(Okay, just a little bit.)

No really, I'm just here to talk about myself because I am a narcissistic egotist.

Again, this is a self-examination.

I acknowledge the fact that my depression feeds my addiction to spending.

The more anxious, stressed, frustrated, or despondent I am - the more I want to buy things.

The sadder I am - the more I crave that (temporary) high of:
"Oooo!!! I just bought this thing! Weeeeee!!!!!"

It's not even conscious, so I have to keep analyzing myself and my mood.

That item I want to buy is not going to cure my depression.

Oh, if only life worked that way.

Through self-analysis I have come to a conclusion that is a source of great sadness for me
- I am so easily swayed to buy things that I cannot even look at things

Not look at doll stuff online or in the stores. 
Not read about it. Not smell it. Etc. Etc.

I can't go on the doll message boards anymore - it leads to jealousy, envy, and desires for things I can't afford. 

I'd love to be able to just look at whatever everyone else is buying and making and just enjoy it and absorb its awesomeness through pictures.

But I can't. 

I have to have it for myself.

And then I don't have the space for it out in my home - 
so it goes into a closet, or a storage unit.

So no more doll boards.
Which is depressing.
And I apologize to anyone who thinks I need to participate on them more.
I just can't.
For mental and financial reasons.

And as far as other blogs - I have to be very careful.
So again, I apologize to everyone who has ever 
wondered why I don't read and comment on their blog.
It's not because I don't want to.
It's because I want to.
And it's because I will then want to own everything that you own.

Cuz I a greedy ho. 
(In the words of Maple.)

(If I'm walking the dog, I can't be spending money at the same time, right???)

Instagram isn't quite as bad because a lot of the stuff in those pics is OOAK clothing items, or limited edition release items that sell out in seconds, or custom dolls that cost $350 that I couldn't possibly attempt to afford in one shot like that, etc.

Instagram can be bad though, don't get me wrong.

It just doesn't have as much "purchase-able" stuff - and it's more about the pretty pictures of dolls in pretty landscapes by photographers with more skilz in their pinky finger than I have in my whole body.

And that's why I have gravitated toward Instagram - because it revels in the moment, in the photo shoot someone took this weekend at 
their grandma's house because she has a nice garden,
in the car ride to an AGP with your favorite doll,
in those pictures you took at the park with your Dad's help, etc.

Yes, there are Etsy package reveals.

I even do those because I am a shameless hussy.

But those aren't so overwhelming to me because again, 
those are typically OOAK or limited edition items.

Usually the stuff in people's pictures is no longer for sale,
or they even made it themselves for themselves.

So I can't go run off and drop $$$ on them.

(My cat, again)

But anyway, back to my main point of self-chastisement.

I have an addictive personality.

No, people aren't easily addicted to my personality.

In fact, quite the opposite.

But more so - I am the rat in the cage that will keep pushing the button that is electrocuting it just to get the endless supply of tasty treats.

It's not healthy.
It's self-destructive.
And it's destructive to my relationships with others.

So again, I'm not going to tell you how to fight this.

I'm just here to say that I too suffer from "The Gotta Have 'Em All" Blues.

And I can't fight them.

I've basically had to cut myself off from all sources of money, 
with the help of my life partner/person I share a toilet with.

That way I only have access to a very small amount of $$$ for doll cr*p.

It's like I'm a ten-year-old with a monthly allowance of $20.

But it's the only way I can manage my behavior.

I can't be trusted with money.

Which is horrible.

And I'm sad to admit it.

As I am supposed to be "an adult."

But that's how the situation is.

In the end, at the end of the day - I still have two wishes:

1) That I was happy with everything I already own and I learned how to enjoy it all (because I already have a cr*p-ton of doll stuff)


2) That I could own everything I ever wanted to have for my collection.

So you can tell I haven't really found a cure for this.....

Thank you for visiting us today!!!

And thank you for reading my pathetic tale of the Blues. ;-)



Maple's Fantastic (ally Inappropriate) Planner 
for the month of April is now on sale!


(See the irony???)

1 comment:

Serenata said...

Wonderful post! I can really relate to exactly what you are saying in so many ways, albeit slightly different. Just as I was sitting here wondering what to do about my doll 'habit' and the fact that I wasn't really enjoying it anymore...apart from those quick 'highs' (had the same conversation with a friend down the road yesterday about depression, forms of it and the buying that often accompanies it....)

Nope I don't have any answers either. I am not even really interested in the doll boards, blogs etc...anymore so it is easy enough staying off those...

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